Riku's Quest for the Keyblade!
by Bren-chan
Summary: What is wrong with the author? After consumptious mounds of Vanilla Coke and tree hugging, this fiction was born! Where KH2 cameos are as abundant as cheese flinging monkeys and the much Riku proddings dipped in chocolate tacos! RR
1. Eet those Disney bots!

Disclaimer: I no eet, you no eet, Disney eet. :D 

  
… OMG! TURN BACK! THIS IS /NOT/ A RS! O_O It's CURSED! It should be BANNED!! _o *SHOT* x_X!!

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A/N: … And tell me Mary… /why/ am I starting a new fanfic? ^^  
  
Mary: *shrugs* Eet.   
  
I don't know either! But… I think it has to do with either… me being bored and that there was over 20 reviews on my other fanfic… or because Norway is controlling my mind to do it. But it doesn't really matter! Enjoy… and no hurt time, because this is my first ACTUAL Humor fic on the KH section.   
  
This fic is dedicated to my best friend, Mary. (chibilinnet)   
  
Warning!!!: … Flaming kittens and chunks of falling crab. :D  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Enter Hollow Bastion!  
  
… Or whatever's left of it. Due to the sudden disappearance of the aforementioned world, Square-Enix was forced to set up the villain's home base at Disney HQ. Of course, this made Ansem angry, but what was he going to do? Open their hearts to darkness? *evil cackle*

"Stupid author…" Ansem hissed, banging his head onto the plastic table.  
  
And so, because our 'Overlord of Darkness' was powerless to do anything ( And because of copyright acts) he and his minions were forced to resign into the aforementioned building. Currently, they were situated within one of the Cafeteria's many tables for the normal meetings that have occurred around them since that familiar incident one year ago. Ansem abusing the cheap plastic table from underneath him with his head while 3 hooded people that sat around him watched in interest.   
  
The one that sat right to the fake Hispanic had blond hair covering his eyes. Though… the author has no name for this 'unknown', so she shall lazily call him… Number 3. Stupid author.   
  
The one that sat left to Ansem had his whole face covered with a conveniently placed shadow. People might have known him has the 'Enigmatic Man'. The author thinks he's cooler. So the author decided to steal a name for this unknown. She called this one 'Blackcoat'.  
  
And last, and definitely the least important, glowing eyed unknown of whom the author decided to be lazy again and just call him Number 5. This 'thing' decided to sit next to Blackcoat, who had finally stood up and started to beat Ansem with a mop.  
  
"Why does the author hate /me/?!" Number 5 whined out. The author…does not know. And so she sat there on her computer chair, thinking /why/ she loathed Number 5 so.  
  
"… Maybe it has something to do with tacos." She spoke to herself, stopping momentarily in her typing. Then she realized that the story was still typing itself and ran out of the room, screaming something about monkey butt sex.  
  
"DARKNESS!" With a fist twitching in the air, Ansem looked up at the cheaply ventilated ceiling with much madness in his eyes. The mop of which Blackcoat was molesting him with, lay broken in pieces in the portable gray trashcan.  
  
"Yes yes, darkness Ansem. Now sit your ass down before I give you the pill, old man."  Blackcoat muttered, hissing at the little nerd employees who walked by, snorting like they had a severe nasal allergy. This noise angered Blackcoat so. It intimidated his sanity, like a jar of mayonnaise.   
  
… But back to Ansem.  
  
He hated the pill. He also hated the light. But what he hated the most was…  
  
"KFC! Why do they call it KENTUCKY fried chicken, when it wasn't fried in Kentucky?!" Ansem screeched out. The few people reading just stared at the glaring veranda font blankly. They did not find the author's desperate attempt at humor funny. The author hung her head and ate a doughnut.  
  
… Even though she technically didn't. But Ansem did have a point, and so the other unknowns pondered this infamous question throughout their brain meats. They failed into succeeding the reason for this question though, and just sat there looking high once again.

 It was boring in Disney HQ. Of course, it was great lighting helpless employees on fire and cackling in glee when they jump out the window in a fit of crab seizures, but it got boring after the first 50 times. And since there were always smelly little teenage fan girls swarming about them like sex crazed tacos, they could not continue on with their 'plans' for KH2 or risk getting them sold in a pink Glad Ziploc bag on Ebay for 5 dollars.  And so they couldn't do anything else but sit around and look menacing, but that was kind of hard in the environment they were currently situated in.   
  
"… LLAMAS!" This outburst was proudly owned by Number 5, who had risen from his chair and tried to look important. Everyone ignored him though, and continued to do the doomish things they've been doing even BEFORE Number 5's outburst.  
  
… Which was play croquet. The boring game. The one where there was no explosions or naked people running about. It was just as boring as golf, but more unimportant. But Number 5 was more unimportant than croquet. Though he was not more unimportant than environmentalists. This made him happy… for the moment, until he realized he wasn't more important than croquet.  
  
"Argh…" Everyone continued to ignore him though. Maybe because the door to the Cafeteria burst open, knocking the geeky nerds away with it's holiness. Such holiness it had. And who was the beholder of such holiness??  
  
… The child of Jinly of course! With flamboyant red spiky hair and vibrant green eyes, it was hard for people NOT to think of the Jingly season when they caught the sight of such a thing. Clad in the same infamous coat, it wasn't hard to tell that he was an unknown. But the author liked this unknown. She thought he was as sexy as microwavable corndogs.  So she shall call him the same name she's been calling him for nearly 5 months now… 'Margret'.

  
" Ansem! Oh Ansem!" The redhead shrieked happily, skipping over to the lunch table Ansem was in. This was not a happy sight for Ansem, and so he screamed like smelly girl who died on the Ring and hid under the table like a frightened wiener dog. All hope was lost though, and Margret skipped up to Ansem's hiding spot, taking out a flashlight from his pocket and shining it under the table, preferably in Ansem's eyes.  
  
"GAHHHHH!!" The scream the Hispanic made was clearly that of not human. It is the similar scream males make when they are being castrated. This snapped the other unknowns out of their drunken stuphor, quickly attacking anything that moved… like that conveniently placed squirrel.  
  
"GET IT!" A gigantic pile of doom was made soon after, random squeaks escaping out once in a while.  
  
But back to Ansem again.  
  
After bumping his head on the bottom of the plastic nuisance, he stood up, covering his eyes and hissing in unbearable pain while Margret continued to look on stupidly before clinging onto Ansem's waist with much edible love.  
  
"GOOD MORNING!!" The redhead shouted out, hugging tighter onto Ansem's waist and preventing any oxygen to travel through the poor Hispanic's head. This was bad of course, since people technically /did/ need oxygen. And so, Ansem collapsed onto the floor in a crumpled heap of pig manure.  
  
"How IS my chocolate muffin?"   
  
"In pain…" Margret had finally loosened his grip, and so Ansem was fully capable of breathing once again!   
  
"Aw, I'll make it better wetter then!" Margret cooed to the Hispanic with much love.   
  
Yaoi fangirls: FOMG!1 Tis i5 n07 R/S! =0  
  
… The author threw a salmon at them and continued to type with bouncy enthusiasm. Like milk, for milk is sexy like Ansem.  
  
"I'm compared to 'milk' now??" The author nodded happily, eating a bagel. And such a tasty bagel it was! Ansem sighed, pulling him and Margret up off the floor.  
  
"… Aw hell, why not?" The Hispanic said, bringing Margret's head until they were inches apart and slowly inched forward… until…  
  
"VIOLATION OF CODE NUMBER XX696!" A robotic voice boomed throughout the cafeteria a split second before an onslaught of rubber chickens aimed themselves toward the unpopular pair. Ansem and Margret gave the most convincing impression of infamous Shuyin/Lenne scene on FFX-2 (Yeah, you know what I mean. _o ) as they saw the array of chickens being blown at them.  
  
"FD;SFLJALSDFJ!!" The force of the blows were strong enough to knock Margret away and be buried by the horrible nuisances.   
  
"DAMNIT!" Ansem screamed out before a salmon was thrown at his face.  
  
" NO VULGAR LANGUAGE IN THE PREMISIS!" Ansem hated Disney HQ. One of the many reasons why was the major limitality he had on his free speech and whatnot. Also, the fact that there was no homosexuality allowed brought the unknowns into a horrible depression. Stupid Bush head.  
  
"Owee…" The redhead whined out, fighting his way through his poultry prison and stood up. Mostly everyone in the cafeteria were knocked out. Blackcoat and Number 3 looked up in confusion while Number 5 was passed out on the floor. All was quiet… but you know it'll never be quiet for long.   
  
…  
  
Ah see? There's someone coming. It could be noticed quite finely as the previously abused doors slammed open again, revealing another unknown. This one has silvery hair with a blindfold wrapped around his eyes. Yes yes, squeal all you want little fangirls. It is Riku… or whatever the plot theories say about him. But he's Riku, okay?  
  
"CARDBOARD BOX!" The fangirls squealed in much delight as their God had spoken with such 53x. Now, they thought, if only Sora were here…  
  
"SORA!" Riku cried in anguish, doing some random soap opera dramatic shit and fell on his knees on the floor, raising his hands into the air and screamed out something about air fresheners. The fangirls could of DIED just there.   
  
"My love!" Blondie Number 3 giggled happily, prancing over to Riku with happiness. The fangirls looked on with disgust. What is this?? This is not R/S! Unfortunately for Number 3 and the happiest thing in the world for fangirls, Riku sidestepped.  
  
"Ew… you're not my love. Sora's Keyblade is!" … No. Get your mind out of the gutter. NOW.   
  
"But… but… I thought what we had was special!" Number 3 cried out, producing big sad puppy eyes. Like that'd help though, since Riku had that stupid blindfold on.  "I have keyblades too you know! Two!"  
  
"Your keyblades are not good enough for me. I demand Sora's keyblade, for it is much more 53x. And once I find Sora, I shall have his Keyblade!" And with that, he stomped out of the cafeteria, but not without tripping about 500 times due to his stupid blindfold. Ha.  
  
This made Number 3 very sad. What was wrong with his keyblades? He would of cried, but the distance cackle of the fangirls made him anger so. He should get revenge!   
  
"REVENGE!" He shrieked out, stomping out the Cafeteria also. Blackcoat looked on with much confusion once again before sighing and collapsing, trying to find Ansem and Margret. They disappeared though, probably from some stupid plot hole of laziness he assumed.  
  
"… Stupid author." He hissed. A crab suddenly fell on his face though, and he was knocked out from the force.  The crab just clacked and scuttled around his head.  
  
  
~~~~~~~~

  
  
 And now the Author's rant.   
  
Basically, this fic was made to fulfill a purpose… to bash Repooped! … Or Riku. Or /at least/ make good harmless fun of him. 

Lately these days, I see more and more Riku/Sora fans making fics here and there, everywhere! O_o  Some are great! But others are… neh. And the RS fans seem to have one-tracked minds. They BREATHE the relationship with their smelly lungs filled with the air of corruption! _o And make fun of Kairi till she's twitching on the floor dead. ;_;  
  
 I mean, what's WRONG with her?? Does everyone have their own personal reason to hate her? … Or is it just some conspiracy or fashion sense to 'hate' the poor girl. I mean, from her big head, there's not really anything bad about her. She's just someone who really cares for her best friends. What's wrong with that, people? _o   
  
I, unfortunately, was one of them before. But now I have changed! And so this fic is for all of the other RS pioneers who now loathe the pairing to the highest content! So um…yeah. My rant. :D  
  
Er… it's all pointless, but this thing DOES have a plot! O_o Just… stay tuned? Yeah…


	2. Chunks of Pineapple!

Disclaimer:  ;_; Please don't sue me! All I have is 30 dollars, this computer, and a PS2 with my FF games! I'll cost you more than what you'll get! x_x!  
  
A/N: I'm so happy I got reviews. ;_;  
  
Zidane: Even though you practically begged people to death for them.   
  
-_- *kicks him* But I'd still appreciate more reviews! I promise I'll update mucho rapido if you review more. x_x Really! Pretty pretty please? ;_; With much darkness and sugary hearts?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"PINEAPPLE!" Sora screamed out, though not knowing why. Something had randomly seeped into his brain and smacked it with a broom, thus compelling him to say such randomness. He was currently walking around aimlessly throughout Twilight Town (aka Uninspired Metro Area *hugs Toki* :D ) extremely confused on the events that happened.   
  
Before he randomly appeared there, many events took place. Skipping back from Wal-mart to get a gallon of milk, he was horror stricken to find what was left of his love, which were but a mere few charred stones. And so, he fell onto his knees, screaming many many… things.  
  
"PINEAPPLE!!"  
  
And yeah, so anyway, too damn busy screaming about the spiked fruit, he did not notice a sponemonkey sneak up behind him and throw it's guitar at the back of his head, forcing him into a random plot hole and ended up in Twilight town. And so there he was, still walking, where his only company was his squeaky shoes. Oh how they squeaked. They were almost as annoying as 99 cent deals at McDonalds.   
  
*squeak squeak*  
  
Sora did not know why he was here, but in the back of his mind, which also contained the Porsche that he had previously stolen from Ansem when the dark lord wasn't looking, he knew there had to be some importance to he was there in the firs place. But…I say, how /could/ he fit a Porsche up there? My, this is SORA we're talking about. Really…   
  
"Damnit!" Ansem's voice hissed throughout the streets, surprising out lovely brunet, having him randomly pounce on the first thing that moved… which was…  
  
Number 5! Dun dun!   
  
"HEY! WATCH WHO YOU'RE FALLING ONTO YOU LITTLE- … Sora?" Number 5's one glowing eye narrowed at the boy with much deceit. So /this/ was Sora… but of course, he had seen the nuisance before, but he had changed somehow… the shoes maybe?  
  
"Pineapple?" Number 5 sighed.  
  


"Shut up, and listen. I was searching a very long time for you." The unknown started, even though it had only been 15 minutes-  
  
"QUIET!" The author cackled evilly, throwing a shoe onto the screen, thus breaking the monitor in half. This made the author sad though, and she started to cry about Corn Flakes.  
  
"But anyway, I've been searching for you to warn you about a terrible danger. It is-" Number 5 paused in his words to find Sora busy picking his nose, obviously not listening to a word he had to say. This angered the unknown very much. Very, VERY much! So much, that he brought his hands up onto his hood and pulled it back, yellow eye suddenly turning black and aimed its deadly Sadako-ness at Sora.  
  
"Ooh! Nickel!" Too bad for Number 5, Sora bent down to grab the shiny object, bounding the evil death beam at some old man wearing a red jumpsuit and walking with a cane.  
  
"DA;LFKJADS;LJFLSDJ!!" In an instant, that old man was transformed into a layer of rotten flesh and ash, which made Number 5 happy for a moment… before he found out that he missed Sora.  
  
"DAMNIT!" The unknown cursed with much anger, picking up a crab and chucking it at Sora's head, hitting him square on.  
  
"PINEAPPLE!" The readers sighed at the old running gag, clicking back and went off in search for a more interesting fic, preferably Riku/Sora yaoi-  
  
"NAY!" The author hissed, shaking her fist at the retreating readers, hacking into their computers and inserting the 'My Doom' virus deep into their hard drive, cackling evilly as they screamed in anguish as their computers exploded in a fit of pineapple chunky-ness.   
  
"LISTEN! One of the unknown is planning to steal that precious little keyblade of yours right from your grasp. Though why? I don't know really, but I'm going closer to the theory of it being some sort of weird fetish…"  The thought of it made Sora shudder and curl into a fetal position underneath Number 5. Number 5 kicked him.   
  
"Anyway, I'll just be going now so…" Those words were what dreaded Sora the most at that moment, and he clung helplessly onto Number 5's legs, making a notion of humping it restlessly. Number 5 hissed and tried to shake Sora off.  But Sora was as stubborn as a…  thing, so he continued to cling on tightly.  
  
"OFF!"

"NO!"  
  
"I said OFF!"   
  
"NAY!"  
  
"INFIDEL!" Number 5 tried everything! Slamming his leg onto the wall, dunking it in burning gas, even beating Sora with a pineapple did not loosen the brunet's bolt grip. And so, Number 5 gave up after a time of 5 minutes, sighing in defeat.  
  
"Fine, you can come with me. BUT, you must not piss on my leg when you need to go to the bathroom, got that?" Sora nodded with much fluffy luff, humping the unknown's leg again. Unknown dude sighed once again and dragged Sora with him through the streets of Twilight Town, trying to find whatever plot hole the author would give them to release them from the world in which the sun glared in your eyes in a constant nuisance.   
  
Little did they know though, that there was a dark figure lurking in the shadows, watching their every move.  
  
"Soon, my precious, you shall be MINE! HAHAHAH-" The author sighed and throw a shoe at unknown, knocking him out for the remainder of the chapter.  
  
…  
  
Febreeze.   
  
-----  
  
… I got lazy on this chapter.  *nod nod* But I'm going to have a different scene play for each chapter, because I'm stupid like that. :D   
  
… Next chapter shall be done sooner, but please Review so I can be motivated to get this done faster. ^^  
  
  



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